Tuesday, June 15, 2004
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…ok, possibly a bit dramatic, but it gets the point across and is very, very accurate. Best of times - I’ve moved into our new house; worst of times – “booger, ” the desktop pc, has given up the ghost (for the Americans out there, let me put it another way – dead as a doornail, bought the big one, in a bad way, or my favourite, up sh*t creek without a paddle.) I’m hoping its not that bad. On a normal day I would take it to bits, prod it a bit, twiddle some wires, and hallelujah, the king has returned. Unfortunately, I have neither the time, the patience or, incidentally, the tools (can’t find my dinky screwdriver) to perform delicate operations. So I’ll call in an expert and pay through the nose, because while the move has sucked evey last penny out of my current account (£22.53 until the 28th – you think I’m joking?), the last thing I need right now is for the boogs (pc) to be irreparably damaged.
Of course, your probably wondering how I’m writing this right now. I could be doing the old fashioned pen-and-paper exercise, but have you seen my handwriting lately? I can’t read it on the best of days, so its not the best medium for recreating creativity. No, instead I’m sitting in my *new* front room in the evening sunshine typing on the laptop. Thank god the women in my family are blessed with tiny hands – laptop keyboards are designed for two-year-olds.
Side note :
For an instrument developed in predominantly male company, you would think they would have made the bits bigger. Instead computers keep getting smaller. Pretty soon the only people who will be able to work on them will be women (go on, have a look at the inside of a desktop… how do men with their huge maulers accomplish anything in there?) and THEN where will they be?!?!?! (I do really love men, but some of them need a kick up the soft, cushy, place – in the nicest possible way, of course)
Back to my front room. The sun is shining (yahoo!) the grass (and boy is there a lot of it, HUGE back garden, HUGE) is green, and G is prostate on the couch watching his fifth football game in three days. Euro 2004 has landed firmly in my front room only to superseded in importance by a huge fire under his arse, or tea (northern word for dinner) cooked his favourite woman – me. If you are unable to comprehend the importance of these footie competitions let me share some touching anecdotes.
When Giles and I decided to get married, we needed to pick a date (you know where this is going). We first thought about August, but decided there was potential for it to be too hot. Early June was the next choice, but the weather is a bit unpredictable in early summer. I then suggested July the 4th (I though it was brilliantly ironic) – he went white and whispered, “but that’s the day before the final.“ You could never imagine such pleading eyes on a man. I can truthfully say I had to organise my wedding date around a FOOTBALL GAME.
But there’s more…..
Some time later we were having a *hypothetical* conversation about children – when, where, what to call the little buggers. G actually made the suggestion that we plan our first child to be born in June 2006 so he could take paternity leave and watch the World Cup. And why don’t we just call the kid FIFA (Federation of International Football Associations) and be done with it?
So girls, when picking your life mate always take into consideration these following rules:
1. Are you independent? A man who loves football will treat it like a mistress leaving you alone for weeks on end. If you like to spend time alone or with your friends, this could work for you.
2. Do you love football? This could be a match made in heaven. I have a good girlfriend who loves football. Unfortunately her boyfriend doesn’t.
3. Are you willing to feign interest in men running around the pitch? Yes, at the beginning of a relationship this might be a useful tactic to catch his attention. But do you REALLY care about the offside rule? If you can only explain this trickiest of rules by reciting the explaination from memory DON’T DO IT. It will backfire badly when he organises to spend your honeymoon at one of the many obscure tournaments around the world.
4. Do you understand that 5th division Italian league football is a GOOD reason to miss a works night out (or Christmas?).
Take it from me - never underestimate the power of the football game. By The Way - Giles is asleep on the couch.
Of course, your probably wondering how I’m writing this right now. I could be doing the old fashioned pen-and-paper exercise, but have you seen my handwriting lately? I can’t read it on the best of days, so its not the best medium for recreating creativity. No, instead I’m sitting in my *new* front room in the evening sunshine typing on the laptop. Thank god the women in my family are blessed with tiny hands – laptop keyboards are designed for two-year-olds.
Side note :
For an instrument developed in predominantly male company, you would think they would have made the bits bigger. Instead computers keep getting smaller. Pretty soon the only people who will be able to work on them will be women (go on, have a look at the inside of a desktop… how do men with their huge maulers accomplish anything in there?) and THEN where will they be?!?!?! (I do really love men, but some of them need a kick up the soft, cushy, place – in the nicest possible way, of course)
Back to my front room. The sun is shining (yahoo!) the grass (and boy is there a lot of it, HUGE back garden, HUGE) is green, and G is prostate on the couch watching his fifth football game in three days. Euro 2004 has landed firmly in my front room only to superseded in importance by a huge fire under his arse, or tea (northern word for dinner) cooked his favourite woman – me. If you are unable to comprehend the importance of these footie competitions let me share some touching anecdotes.
When Giles and I decided to get married, we needed to pick a date (you know where this is going). We first thought about August, but decided there was potential for it to be too hot. Early June was the next choice, but the weather is a bit unpredictable in early summer. I then suggested July the 4th (I though it was brilliantly ironic) – he went white and whispered, “but that’s the day before the final.“ You could never imagine such pleading eyes on a man. I can truthfully say I had to organise my wedding date around a FOOTBALL GAME.
But there’s more…..
Some time later we were having a *hypothetical* conversation about children – when, where, what to call the little buggers. G actually made the suggestion that we plan our first child to be born in June 2006 so he could take paternity leave and watch the World Cup. And why don’t we just call the kid FIFA (Federation of International Football Associations) and be done with it?
So girls, when picking your life mate always take into consideration these following rules:
1. Are you independent? A man who loves football will treat it like a mistress leaving you alone for weeks on end. If you like to spend time alone or with your friends, this could work for you.
2. Do you love football? This could be a match made in heaven. I have a good girlfriend who loves football. Unfortunately her boyfriend doesn’t.
3. Are you willing to feign interest in men running around the pitch? Yes, at the beginning of a relationship this might be a useful tactic to catch his attention. But do you REALLY care about the offside rule? If you can only explain this trickiest of rules by reciting the explaination from memory DON’T DO IT. It will backfire badly when he organises to spend your honeymoon at one of the many obscure tournaments around the world.
4. Do you understand that 5th division Italian league football is a GOOD reason to miss a works night out (or Christmas?).
Take it from me - never underestimate the power of the football game. By The Way - Giles is asleep on the couch.
